Just So You Know

Good morning. Well. It's morning anyway. Snowing at my place.

At work on north shore and it's snowing here. Sigh. 

The only thing cheerful about dreadful cold weather is maybe I can go tobogganing with the kids this year! 

I just want to take a minute and tell you how grateful I am, to have you for my sisters and brother.

I am not sure why my life has been such an epic fail. My two kids are the only good things I have accomplished. It surely wasn't by my own devices to have success with them. My sisters and brother are the the ones who blessed them greatly at many different points in their lives.

If I was to die today (so many bad drivers out), I would want all three of you to know that you have blessed me greatly. I have never had a moment that failed in gratitude for you. I truly love all of you so much. 

I have been the poorest auntie. I found two years of birthday cards, written & addressed & stamped. I have found letters I had written & addressed & stamped. Dated 3 years ago. My nieces and nephews haven't been as blessed by me as mine were by their aunties and uncles. I am sorry for this.

I have been flailing & failing for a few years. Ever since I graduated from Sprott Shaw. I have worn many hats in my life and am grateful for all of those experiences. I consider them wins. Until I have to pay rent and my bills & get groceries from Stella.

I am depressed and I recognise all of the symptoms because I am in a chronic state and have been for a lot of years. Diagnosed when Nana died, along with un-diagnosed postpartum depression that was diagnosed, finally, at the same time.
Every day is a struggle now. My chronic pain has projectiled to the nth degree. My pity party is getting shut down before it starts. Just wanted to let you know.

I miss my nieces and nephews so much. I used to see M almost every weekend. I haven't seen R anywhere near as much. This makes me sad.

I am crushed to only see O very occasionally and even then I am so exhausted, from work & pain.

Thankfully, I get to see Mad, though not nearly as often as I used to.

Then there are my kids. It is so crippling, emotionally, to not see them more often. K & S are an amazing couple. So kind, generous, loving.

S & D and C are so far away that when I see them I feel 'drunk' with happiness!

Ok. Not sure if I'm emailing this or not. Will leave it as a draft for now.

Know that I love all of you right to my core.

All my love, always & forever,

Lelly

September 11th, 2012/11th Anniversary WTC

I didn't know you, when you died. I don't know your families. I don't know your friends.

All I know is that I think of you often. No more so, on this anniversary. You are always in my heart.

Remembering you today, is a small symbol of my respect to your memory.

A small symbol of respect for the heroes who tried so bravely to save you.

A symbol of respect to the innocents who tried to save your country and fellow citizens from disaster by flying into a field.

A symbol of my heartfelt sadness deep to my core, that I remember having on that morning.

To all of you whose loved ones were murdered, whose loved ones bravely tried to save people, whose loved ones were permanently disfigured emotionally, mentally and physically, to the children unborn on that day and will never meet their fathers, I give you my sympathy and love.

May every day bring a tiny bit more healing. Love, me

I miss you Momma

Hi Mom.
I miss you to telling me I'm doing the right thing right now.

And you telling me how it's okay to be sad.

And telling me that I really am trying hard.

And telling me that you love me and miss me too.

I sure do miss you.

I would have liked you to tell me that I need to move further forward.

I love you Momma and I miss you dearly.

And I miss lying down with my head on your lap.

And I miss having tea with you.

And, well, I really need you right now.

Thank you for who you were to me and who you always will be to me.

RIP

#livingthesinglelife

I don't have grief when I eat #FrostedFlakes for supper,  #birthdaycake for lunch or supper,
the toilet seat is always down,
I have one load of darks and one load of whites for laundry ONCE a week,
the toothpaste is never dribbled in the sink,
the dishes are always done & put away,
the stovetop is ALWAYS clean,
I won't have to clean the oven when I move out, 
the bathroom towels are ALWAYS properly aligned and NEVER on the floor,
the fridge contents are ALWAYS where they shud be, 
the cupboard contents are ALWAYS aligned and where they should be,
the bread loaf is ALWAYS tied shut,
there are NEVER dirty dishes ANYWHERE they shudn't be,
the floors are NOT covered in #mysteriousickspots,
and, finally, the DUSTING is never done :)
and #thatshowIrockthesinglelife

cia for now, mommabear

It's a rock

good morning blog,

Just another milling around in my brain, too many thoughts to make sense so my blog can take it.

Used to be soft and feeling
my heart and my soul
uncaring is not what I'm meaning
the ones who have come and left
are the ones I'm meaning
they came in, carved and sliced away
so not much is left for me today
I guard it with wisdom
love and courage
I guard it with all that I have left
so what I can give is small but the best
I don't need a bigger one
see, this one is good
just the way it is, scarred and
not empty, still some for you
My heart is a rock
Stayed and true
Because of the love I have for you

Love, Mish

We Love You Always

Today is a day
not unlike any other
I remember you now
as a loving mother
I wish you stayed
but you had to go
your body fought
for 4 days or so
a massive stroke
and heart attack
left you gone and
not coming back
we sat with you
and brushed your hair
we sang to you
it's so unfair
you opened your eyes
and they were green
had always been brown
at death we had seen
our beautiful momma
leave us slowly
when your heart's last beat
was seen by us all
we cried and we weeped
and most of all
we thanked you for being
our mommy and seeing
we loved you now
and always will

RIP Momma
I love you, Lelly

#livingalone

dear blog,

i hate living alone sometimes.

thanks for listening.